further to my last entry..

there is a good chance i am simply over-reacting and misreading things..

I put a further comment in her lj, and she has replied now - saying she needs to talk to her Master about adding people to the filter... entirely reasonable, obviously.

I'm far too prone atm of thinking the worst, and getting hurt and upset by the slightest thing...

Feeling very upset and jealous atm.

There is a sub known to both my Master and I on LJ. I've never met her, but I have made many efforts to talk to her online, which she has generally ignored. This goes back further than my relationship with Master. She and my ex-bf had a bit of a thing going on - and it was his lies and deceit together with his infidelity that killed our relationship. I never really held it against her. He was at fault way more than her, and I tried to make her aware that I held her no ill will, because I didn't. Through reading her online diary, I came to be aware that she was someone I could realte to and made efforts to get to know her. She always rejected such efforts. Fair enough, and water under the bridge.

When I became involved with my Master, he told me that he and her played together sometimes. I wasn't comfortable with sharing him, and he respected that, and told her that they wouldn't play anymore. All fine.

He is still privvy to her filter group on her journal that allows him to read about all the stuff she does with her Master, including (most recently) the details of the weekend of her collaring.

She publicly announced her collaring, and I amoungst others congratulated her, feeling genuinely pleased for her. I also asked how she would feel about giving me acess to the filter, after all I have a natural interest.

She has totally ignored my comments. Every other person that has congratulated her (including Master) was thanked, and I would say my Master was thanked most warmly. She didn't even slightly acknowledge any of my commnets.

I don't understand why she continues to ignore me. Nor do I understand why my Master continues to read this stuff of hers when he knows how my exclusion distresses me.

I'm feeling very ill and depressed today.

Yesterday, sadly, didn't go to plan - Master was unwell, and not up to punishing me. He still used me delightfuly though, and bought (and later used on me) a gag, nipple clamps and a couple of other new toys. So it was a good day on the whole :-)

Although the fact that both Master and I have been feeling ill and tired and drained, and both very much in need of more physical play than either of us can cope with, is not very good.

Today, Master was too ill to go to work, and I have been too ill to look after him. :-(

I feel useless and a failure and miserable. My depression is almost overwhelming me today. I want to talk about this a lot more, but I really don't know how :-(

I love being my Master's slave. I love pleasing him. I love that my body is his toy, to take his pleasure from as and when he likes. I love that he can dominate me so completely.

I also love how he cares for me. He is so tender and loving, and looks after me when I need it. He is so often sweet and kind. I am a very lucky slave to have such a thoughtful, loving and fair Master.

Tomorrow will be a challenging day for me. We are going to go out, and he will be buying me a gag, aswell as some new toys to be used on me.

I have asked him to be very strict and severe with me tomorrow - and I know he will be. It scares me a little, but it is a good thing.

I find it very difficult to go out, but I need to master my fear. Master has promised to punish any reluctance on my part about going out very severely.

I'm also due to receive a number of punishments that have been put off for various reasons.

So, tomorrow, I can expect to be gagged and restrained and punished hard. I have asked Master to show me no mercy, and I hope I will be sobbing without control before he is finished. If I am to learn my lessons, then I must be taken to my limits.

By my request, it is also forbidden for me to orgasm tomorrow. I shall be his slave utterly. And my body will be thoroughly used accordingly.

I am a little (well, a lot) frightened by the prospect. But it is necessary. And, I know that afterwards I will feel much happier for it, in the knowledge I have served my Master well, and pleased him.

I love my Master, and I get no greater pleasure or satisfaction than from pleasing and satisfying him. I hope that tomorrow I can be worthy of him. He deserves no less than for me to excel myself.

... I guess maybe I should make some of my own. That should solve the problem.

But then, I am also short on ideas, and not very good at making icons.

I have an idea of what I want. I mean, I know I want one for when I'm feeling slutty, and another for when I'm feeling submissive without feeling slutty. Also I need icons for when I'm feeling angry or depressed. Plus one for when I'm being introspective/thoughtful, and a normal everyday default one.

Well.. there isn't much here yet, but I am sure there will be soon. I have a lot of dark thoughts, and a lot of half-formed fantasies that have no-where to go but here!

I'm probably going to keep this journal open to all. I've created it as an outlet for the secrets I hold, and it wouldn't be much of an outlet if no-one could read it, would it!? ;-)